If you had asked me several years ago if I identified more with the good girl or the rebel, I likely would have said the good girl, hands down (with a few exceptions).
My need to “be the good girl” came from 1) a deep desire to avoid conflict at all costs (because it made me SO uncomfortable) and 2) an expectation that I had to be “perfect” in order to feel accepted.
Does this sound familiar?
As a teenager, I had moments of rebellion and whenever I did, it more often than not, involved a boy. Whether it was staying out past curfew or sneaking out of state to see my college-aged boyfriend when I was still in high school, chalking my ID to go to clubs underage and later when I got a little older, dating a colleague on the DL so none of our coworkers knew about it.
For the longest time, I refused to accept or even acknowledge this rebellious nature within me, even if it was quite tame. The Good Girl in me, wanted to HIDE any aspect that identified with being a rebel because I was scared that it meant that I wasn’t “perfect” or “good enough” and that it was something to be ashamed of.
I’ve been contemplating this duality for the last few days and I’ve decided – I want to EMBRACE the rebellious side of me!
When I was rebelling in my youth, I felt FREE!! I felt WILD!! I felt ALIVE!! I felt INVIGORATED!! I experienced feelings of FREEDOM because I was FULLY PRESENT and I had FINALLY released control and SURRENDERED to what I WANTED to do, rather than what I SHOULD do.
When you look at it that way, who wouldn’t want MORE of that? Who wouldn’t want to live a life they WANT rather than the life they SHOULD and experience FREEDOM and SURRENDER?!
So, I’ve decided – I am a Good Girl AND I’m Rebel. I am ALL of it and NONE of it all at the same time. I’m embracing and reintegrating the pieces of me that I tried to hide for so long and I am excited to see how these two opposing aspects play together! The good news is I get to CHOOSE what I want to create and which experience I want to have. I get to follow my JOY!
Which aspects of yourself do you need to compassionately reintegrate that you’ve been hiding or shaming yourself for?